In The Quiet, In The Crowd
by TheAddict4Dramatics
Summary: "This is over, isn't it?" He asked softly, finally voicing what they had both known for weeks but never had the stomach to admit out loud before./ "I think so." She replied, the words coming out in nothing more than a rasp./"Well, it was good while it lasted I suppose." If there was any intended jest to his words none of it came through. H/L post RotJ AU angst.


**Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me except the mistakes as this is un-beta'd.**

 **Title from song lyrics taken from** _ **Where Are You Now?**_ **By Mumford and Sons.**

 **Very angsty, au-y one-shot ahead…**

In The Quiet, In The Crowd

 _Where are you now?_

 _Where are you now?_

 _Do you ever think of me,_

 _In the quiet, in the crowd?_

Once it was over Leia rose silently and dressed herself at the foot the bed. She could feel Han's eyes on her back as she moved but they were no longer lustful as they had been a short while ago when she had first come to the Falcon, nor were full of hate as they had been weeks ago – the last time she had seen him. Yet somehow she knew if she dared turn to look at him his gaze would be just as intense and meaningful.

She could not deny she knew this would happen. It was inevitable. The time apart combined with the heat of the argument in their lasting meeting, fuelled by the all-consuming, terrifying truth that this was it between them, meant there was no other way that her coming to Falcon as soon as it had docked was going to end. It had been rough and desperate, frantic even but it had still left her insides burning for him, begging for it not to be the last time like they both knew it had to be.

Leia wondered briefly if her husband-to-be would ever be able to make her feel such things; make her so uncharacteristically out of control with need and hunger and desire. She realised she held little expectation that he could. Passion was never going to be easily forthcoming in the marriage she was about to enter into. She doubted passion such as what had just transpired would ever have been possible with anyone besides Han.

They both knew that that was the last time they would ever be together, though neither of them had said it, neither of them had said anything at all, all communication had occurred solely through the movement of their bodies. No words needed. Leia knew her new husband would not like it but it wouldn't be unheard of to continue to be with Han after she was married. Everyone knew her marriage to the Hapan Prince was a political alliance, a statement to the remnants of the Empire that the New Republic was stronger than ever. No one was ever going to accuse them of being a love match and other affiliations in such marriages were more than common.

Yet Leia also knew to continue on with Han in that manner would irreversibly cheapen the relationship they had shared. Han would never agree to such an arrangement; she knew he loved so fiercely he would never accept anything less than her full love and heart in return. But she just couldn't give it to him. No matter how desperately she wanted to.

As she pulled the last of her clothes on she heard Han clear his throat from the bed behind her.

"This is over, isn't it?" He asked softly, finally voicing what they had both known for weeks but never had the stomach to admit out loud before.

At last Leia turned to look at him and the sight pained her every bit as much as she knew it would. He was sat propped up against the headboard of his bunk, the sheet pooled around his middle, nothing but grief played out in his eyes. Her stomach lurched unexpectedly at the sight as the realisation of just how much she loved him washed over her afresh.

"I think so." She replied, the words coming out in nothing more than a rasp.

"Well, it was good while it lasted I suppose." If there was any intended jest in his words none of it came through. Neither moved for a moment, both stuck in time simply staring across the small bunk at all they were about to lose.

"What will you do now?" Leia asked at last when the silence became too unbearable. "Will you stay with the New Republic, here in the capital?" She didn't know why she needed to know so badly, she certainly understood she had no right to know, but she needed to believe he would be alright. Heartbroken, maybe, hateful of her, surely, but okay in the end.

"Probably not." Han answered honestly. "I've never been very good at staying in one place for very long and there's not anything keeping me here now." He didn't sound angry or accusatory, he just sounded resigned.

"Whatever you decide to do, I'm sure you'll be good at it." She told him sincerely.

"Even if I decide to go back to smuggling?"

Leia could tell these words were said to hurt her and they did. The very idea of him going back to that dangerous underground world that he was so far above and beyond wounded her deeply. No, more than that it terrified her. That he should return as if the last few years had not happened at all and be lost to not only her but to himself also. It would be as if none of it had happened and she couldn't bear the idea – that the things that had passed between them, that had changed her so irreversibly should fade into mere nothingness for him. And that when it came down to it she was to blame for it all. She hoped, more than anything, that he did not return to that place but she did not say it, instead she said:

"Well if you do then you'll be really good at that too. Or really good at it again."

The comment earnt her one of his all-conquering little smirks, he was clearly impressed at her front even in their current situation. Or perhaps he was thinking – _That's the Leia I know, that's the Leia I love…_ That's the Leia I have just let go, the Leia I have just lost. For perhaps the first time ever his smile did not have its usual effect. It did not calm her or soothe her, it tortured her.

"I do love you!" She exclaimed suddenly, the words out of her mouth before she had time to realise she was about to say them. And just as suddenly she was crying, a silent stream running down her face. He made no move to comfort her. She did not deserve his comfort, certainly not his sympathy, she deserved nothing less than his contempt.

"I know." He replied in the exact same way he had when she had first told him all that time ago in the carbon freezing chamber. But the words were different now. Gone was the surety, the confidence, the arrogance that barely veiled his fear and relief at finally hearing them. Instead it was replaced with a melancholic sorrow that appeared as if it would never fade. "But somehow it's not enough, is it?"

"No… somehow it isn't." Leia replied, her tears still falling.

 _Gods why wasn't it enough? Why couldn't it be enough? Why couldn't she just let it be enough?_

Han still made no move to go closer to her, if anything he seemed to retreat further back into the headboard in a vain hope to create more distance between them. As if if he were to get any closer the fleeting resolve he was struggling to keep hold of would leave him entirely. That he would run to her, hug her, beg her not to leave him, not to throw away everything for a deep-rooted, misplaced sense of loyalty to a regime that had done little beside take, take, and take from her.

But he did not go to her, he did not beg. He looked her straight in the eye and told her with the upmost gravity:

"I hope he knows how lucky he is."

And with that Leia left the cabin, too heartbroken and remorseful for even a backward glance.

It was over. Despite everything, it was over now. 


End file.
